


i spit my heart into this red cup

by punknouis



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: 5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Drunk Blow Jobs, Frottage, Light Angst, Long Shot, M/M, Male Slash, One Shot, Smut, Teen Angst, but it all works out, but it's not like unbearably sad, calum's kind of a dick, dudes kissing dudes nice, i didn't go into too much detail, michael is really sad and really in love, some fluff but not alot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1592927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punknouis/pseuds/punknouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael really really likes Calum and Calum will only kiss Michael when he's drunk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i spit my heart into this red cup

**Author's Note:**

> i don't even know where this came from the idea literally ambushed me and i got this insane need to write this with michael really into calum but calum is confused and kind of uses michael and sad feelings but it ok cause it all works out
> 
> im so sorry in advance about grammar and tenses and all of that i got so frustrated i gave up editing this halfway through im sorry i just was getting anxious to post it and also sorry if the ending is bad i feel kind of iffy about it sometimes
> 
> also title comes from the song Besitos by Pierce the Veil
> 
> (((((follow me on tumblr -[sleepyclemmings](http://sleepyclemmings.tumblr.com/) )))))

* * *

Michael doesn’t really remember when it started, it’s kind of a blur.

Michael does remember the first time he realized he might be into guys as well as girls (he saw Harry Styles in the What Makes You Beautiful music video and the first thing that came to his mind was, “God he’s _proper_ fit.” and wanked off to him for about three weeks after that), but he doesn’t remember when he realized he might be into Calum.

Calum and he had always been touchy with each other, ever since they were young, but when they started hanging out with Luke and Ashton it got even worse because they were all cuddlers. Michael started to cherish cuddle time with Calum more and more because it became less frequent now that Calum had to share his cuddles with two other needy boys as well, but then it started to mean something to Michael.

He started to get jealous when he would walk into a room and see Cal and Luke wrapped around each other on the couch watching Spongebob, but he brushed it off as he still didn’t like sharing his oldest and dearest friend, even with Luke.

-

Michael remembers the first time Calum and him kissed, only sixteen and completely plastered in Ashton’s basement drinking beer stolen from his parents while Luke yelled at the screen and then yelled at Ashton for passing out on him in the middle of their FIFA game. Michael and Cal had been rocking out some insane air guitar moves to Mr. Brightside when Cal stopped to catch his breath and sit down behind the couch.

Michael slid down the back of the couch to sit next to him and rested his shoulder on Calum’s, closing his eyes and catching his breath as well. “You smell kinda sweaty,” he heard Cal mutter. Michael had snorted out a laugh and mumbled out a “Fuck you.” He glanced up to see Calum staring down at him and before he could say anything Cal’s lips were pressed to his.

It was rushed and fleeting and before Michael could respond, it was over. “I..uh- I mean-“ Michael’s mind was already hazy from the beer and feeling Calum’s soft lips against his had only made it harder to think, harder to form words. But before he could form a complete thought, Calum had stood up and sat on the couch with Luke, pushing Ashton out of the way and taking his controller to take his place.

Michael brushed it off as a drunken joke, nothing to worry about.

-

Michael doesn’t remember when hooking up when they were drunk became a _thing_ they did.

Sure, as the four got closer and closer, they all shared a few drunken kisses, some on accident and some as dares, but it was all just for fun. It didn’t mean anything.

But Michael doesn’t remember the first time Calum pushed him up against a bathroom stall door in a club after one too many shots of Grey Goose and pushed his tongue into Michael’s mouth, fists twisted up into the fabric of Michael’s shirt as he moaned into Michael’s mouth.

Michael doesn’t remember how Calum had moved his lips to kiss the soft spot behind Michael’s ear and then trailed them down his neck softly before he dropped to his knees and unbuckled Michael’s jeans.

Michael doesn’t remember how he came embarrassingly quick after Calum got his mouth around him, not being able to hold himself back after he had dreamed of this exact situation entirely too often.

Michael doesn’t remember how Calum had rutted himself against Michael’s leg relentlessly, alternating between whimpering into Michael’s neck and sucking bruises into it while Michael was so drunk and blissed out from his own orgasm that the only thing he could do was grab Calum’s hips tightly and encourage him until Calum came in his jeans.

No, Michael didn’t remember at all. He blamed his ‘fuzzy memory’ of the night on the fact that he had been throwing back vodka like it was water (at least that’s what he convinced himself).

-

Michael doesn’t remember why stuff like that started happening practically every time they got drunk together, because they never discussed it.

Michael remembers when he tried to bring it up to Calum one night, after they had sucked each other off in the alleyway of some bar in London, too drunk off of each other’s mouths to think about how easy it would for them to be caught. When Michael had tried to start the conversation about “what they were doing” and “where this is going”, Calum shot him a look and just said, “Michael, what the hell are you talking about?”

To anyone else, Calum had a look on his face that said, ‘Are you delusional?’ but Michael saw that Calum’s eyes were screaming, ‘Don’t go there.’

Michael remembers how he felt like he had just been punched in the stomach, getting the wind knocked out of him for a minute.

Calum wanted to pretend that nothing was going on, and as much as it hurt Michael, he let it happen. He didn’t want to lose Calum completely, and as masochistic as it was, he would rather have Calum hurt him by denying what was going on between them than lose him completely.

From then on, Michael didn't question Calum. He let Calum come to him when he wanted Michael. Michael never sought him out, but he never denied him.

-

Michael remembers the first time they fucked, drunk (as usual, it seemed like Calum didn't have the courage to do anything with Michael when he was sober) and stumbling their way into their shared hotel room in some random city on the West Coast of America. It was rare that they roomed together, but Michael was thankful they were.

He remembers the way Calum's hands had roamed his body and how Calum's skin felt warm beneath his own hands. He remembers how Calum had opened him up with his fingers; voice breaking as he kept asking Michael, "Is this okay?"

"Of course it's okay," Michael had panted out, "It's great. Keep going babe."

Michael remembers the smirk that came over Calum's face when he found Michael's prostate, quickly replaced by a look of determination when Michael said that he was ready.

Calum tugged at his cock while covering himself with lube, and pushed into Michael a little too quickly, causing Michael to cry out at the feeling. "S-sorry! Sorry, sorry, you okay?" Calum had stuttered out with a look of worry in his eyes as he studied Michael's face. Michael had just sucked in a breath and nodded, unable to look away from Calum's face.

Michael remembers feeling, feeling _everything_.

He remembers feeling Calum's hair between his fingers and the warmth and weight of his body against his.

He remembers the feeling when Calum finally bottomed out, going slowly as to not hurt Michael again until their hips were finally pressed together, and the feeling of being so full it was overwhelming.

Michael remembers feeling Calum's heart racing as their chests were pressed together and his warm breath fanned out over Michael's shoulder. Michael remembers feeling his head thrash back against the pillows when Calum started to move, rolling his hips languidly into him.

Michael remembers wishing that he was sober so he could remember ever single detail of that moment, every single detail of Calum completely surrounding him. He remembers wrapping his legs around Calum's waist and bringing him even closer than they already were (closer than they had ever been and closer than Michael had ever felt with anyone else).

He remembers that Calum came before Michael with a high pitched whimper and his hands clutching the sheets by Michael’s head. Michael had reached down to finally touch himself and his orgasm followed soon after, a string of curse words falling from his lips as he coated his fist and his stomach with cum.

He remembers Calum pulling out slowly and cleaning them both up tenderly with a few tissues, and he remembers how Calum kissed Michael’s face all over and then settled his head on Michael’s chest, wrapped his arms around Michael’s waist and went right to sleep, not saying another word about it.

-

Michael remembers that for a while, things got easier.

Calum didn't _always_ have to be drunk to kiss Michael anymore.

They still only had sex if they were drunk, but sometimes would Calum would come into Michael's bed late at night and just snuggle up behind him, tucking his chin into the crook of Michael's neck and tangling their legs together. Sometimes Calum would sneak Michael away from the other boys just to make out for a little in an empty hallway.

Michael remembers one particular morning when Calum had come into Michael’s room to wake him up with a blow job, grinning like a fool after Michael finished but not saying anything about it.

Michael remembers holding Calum's hand while they watched Mean Girls in Luke and Calum's room for the millionth time and thinking that this thing with Calum might actually be going somewhere.

-

Michael doesn't remember the night they were all back in London and Calum had left a club with a pretty dark haired girl instead of Michael, because Michael was back at home catching up on sleep. Michael remembers waking up at 2 in the morning one the couch where he fell asleep watching tv to go into the kitchen to see Luke eating cereal at the counter, still wearing the clothes he wore to the club, and asking him where Calum was.

"Don't give me that face Luke, just tell me," Michael had spit out when he saw Luke's reacion. "Did he go home with someone or something?" Michael had let out a dry laugh but became serious when he saw that Luke was still wearing the same face, a mixture of sadness and pity. Michael's heart dropped into his stomach and he went silent.

"I'm sorry Mikey, we tried to tell him not to but he didn't listen to us. I don't know what his problem is," Luke said quietly and slowly, "But he brought some girl back here, they're upstairs right now actually." Luke had moved closer to Michael, trying to reach out to comfort him and pull him into a hug and normally Michael would have happily accepted a cuddle from Luke, but he stepped backwards away from him. Michael shut his mouth that he didn't even realized was hanging open and took a deep breath. "I'm going back to sleep." Michael said flatly. Luke had dropped his eyes to the ground and nodded, turning back to his cereal as Michael spun on his heel back around.

Michael remembers feeling hot. He felt hot all over, but not in a good way. He felt his blood literally _boiling_ beneath his skin and he felt his whole body becoming flushed. He remembers twisting his hands into the sleeves of his sweater to try to stop them from shaking so much.

Michael had walked back towards the couch in the living room and flopped down on his stomach and buried his face in the cushion, not wanting to sleep in his room that’s just down the hall from Calum’s and be able to hear him fucking that girl into the mattress.

Michael remembers laying there awake for what seemed like hours, nothing going through his mind except rage and Calum’s dumb face.

Michael doesn’t remember when he started crying and he doesn’t remember when he stopped.

-

Michael remembers that from then on things were different with Calum.

They pretended like nothing ever happened. Calum stopped coming on to Michael, stopped kissing him, stopped cuddling him, stopped fucking him.

(Michael told himself that that was good, because Michael would’ve turned Calum down anyway. At least that’s what he told himself.)

They never discussed what happened that night, or all of the nights before that. Calum knew that Michael knew about the girl he brought home, but he didn’t bring it up. Not once. They went back to being friends the way they were before Calum kissed him.

Michael remembers that Calum became a lot quieter, even when all four of them were alone. Michael remembers Calum claiming he wanted to “branch out” and how he started hanging out with members of their crew more and more, without Ashton, Luke, and Michael.

Michael remembers deciding after several weeks that it was time to let the whole "situation" go. He knew that no matter what Calum was his best friend and that even though his best friend had just torn out his heart and stomped on it, without even _caring_ , that he would have to try and move on.

At first it was hard, but Michael had gotten pretty good at making himself forget things.

-

Michael remembers when Harry kissed him. They were in London (again) at the same time as all of the members of One Direction (which was a modern day miracle considering their schedules) and met up at a pub to reunite.

Michael doesn’t remember why Harry kissed him or how it even got to that point but he remembers feeling Harry presses his lips against his own (a little sloppily, might he add) and thinking ‘Oh my god, ohmyfuckinggod Harry fucking Styles oh myfuck’.

He remembers thinking that kissing Harry was great and he that he liked Harry a lot, but he didn’t get that feeling in his gut like he did whenever Calum kissed him.

Michael remembers Calum’s face when he saw Harry and Michael together at the bar, faces flushed and lips still red from the kiss. Michael remembers Calum dropping his jaw (and his drink) and storming out of the pub and he remembers apologizing to Harry and chasing right after Calum.

Michael remembers hearing Calum before he saw him, his Vans slapping the sidewalk as he started jogging down the street and around the corner. Michael had called out to him and he slowed down, but still didn’t turn around. Michael jogged to catch up with him and reached him right around the corner of the block. Calum had stopped walking and his head was down, looking at his feet.

Michael reached his hand out to grasp Calum’s shoulder and turn him around. “Mate, what’s wrong?” Michael had said, slightly out of breath from jogging while intoxicated. Calum finally picked his head up and looked Michael straight in the eye.

Michael remembers that Calum’s jaw was set tight and his eyes were red with tears still rolling down his cheeks. Calum sniffled before he spoke, voice low and raspy, probably from crying. “Are you fucking kidding me Michael?” Calum said slowly, his voice sounding absolutely lethal. Michael had opened his mouth to speak but Calum cut him off, “Do you really think I wouldn’t see you kissing Harry? What the hell was that even about? What the fuck is wrong with you!” his voice rising in pitch as he continued.

Michael scoffed, “Whoawhoawhoa, hold on a second Calum. Harry kissed me. It’s not even a big deal, it doesn’t mean anything.” He looked Calum up and down before continuing, “Besides what the fuck do _you_ care?”

Calum looked down at his feet again and balled his hands up into fists and Michael remembers feeling kind of bad for speaking so harshly to Calum, but he couldn’t contain how frustrated he had been.

“You went out and slept with some slut you met at a club just because I wasn’t in the mood to go out and then you went back to pretending that nothing ever happened between us!” Michael took a step closer towards Calum as he spoke and he could feel his face heating up with anger again. All of the anger and hurt he had pushed aside for the sake of their friendship had started to finally come to surface.

When Calum picked his head up again, Michael had taken a couple steps back when he first saw the rage in Calum’s eyes. He wasn’t afraid, just startled because Calum didn’t get angry like this often.

“Don’t you fucking say that!! Don’t you fucking say that Michael because you don’t know what the fuck I was going through!” Calum roared back. For every step Michael had taken backwards, Calum had taken a step towards him.

Calum was shaking he was so mad and Michael would’ve been frightened but he still remembers the hurt he saw behind the anger and suddenly Michael's own anger had disappeared and his heart ached for Calum.

(Michael ached to grab Calum and kiss him and hold him close and whisper in his ear and tell him that he’s loved him for as long as he can remember.)

But Calum continued yelling, and if there had been anyone else around, he would’ve caused quite the scene. “You don’t know how hard it was for me! Fuck you Michael, you don’t know fucking shit. Go fuck yourself, honestly,” he said as gave Michael a hard shove. Michael didn’t even bother pushing back, because he knew Calum needed to get this out.

Calum was crying harder now and he pushed Michael again and Michael stumbled backwards but stayed on his feet. “Calum, I-“ “No, listen to me,” Calum interrupted, “I know I fucked up Michael and I knew you would hate me but I don’t think you fucking realize how much I still love you and how much this fucking hurts right now!” Calum’s voice started to crack at the end of this sentence and Michael almost had trouble understanding what he was saying through his tears.

He pushed Michael again, harder than the last time and Michael fell backwards onto the sidewalk. Michael doesn’t remember his jaw dropping or even falling onto the sidewalk because the only thing he really remembers is how Calum said that he loved him.

Calum said that he loved Michael. Calum said he _still_ loves Michael. _Calum loves Michael_.

“I’m sorry okay?! Is that what you want to hear Michael? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” Calum threw up his hands in exasperation and continued rambling, “I really am. But I’m not like you! I’m not comfortable with this whole.. _thing_ yet!” Calum had started pacing, waving his arms around.

“I’m not used to being attracted to a guy, let alone a guy that's my best mate! I was scared and really confused and I guess I was just trying to prove something to myself.” Calum had stopped pacing and turned around and ran his hand through his hair. He turned around again with his hands on his hips and let out a huff of air through his nose as he calmed himself down and tried to come up with something that would make things better.

Michael was still sprawled out on the dirty sidewalk in a daze, but managed to squeak out, “You-You love me?” Michael had scrambled to his feet to look Calum in the eye.

Calum had dropped his hands to his sides and his eyes widened with shock; he hadn't realized he had said that out loud. “Um, I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.. You weren’t supposed to hear that part, just the apology and the explanation and all that.” Calum said quietly. He took a deep breath and muttered, “But yeah, I guess I do. Not that it matters anymore..”

Michael couldn’t hold back the smile that was creeping onto his face. Michael took a couple steps forward towards Calum again, regaining confidence after hearing his confession. “Cal, you fucking idiot, I’ve loved for like, two years now.”

Michael remembers smiling so wide his cheeks were hurting, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t even care about what Calum had done anymore because he just admitted he loved him and that’s all Michael had ever wanted. Clum’s head shot up so fast Michael thought he was going to get wiplash.

“Really?” Calum asked, voiced laced with shock. Michael had just nodded and let out a breathy laugh and reached out to hold Calum’s face in between his hands and Michael remembers kissing Calum so hard he started getting lightheaded but that didn’t stop him from kissing him some more.

Michael remembers Calum having to put his hands up on Michael’s chest to push him away, only to bring him back in with a hand behind Michael’s neck so he could rest his forehead against Michael’s while they both breathed heavily. Michael had wrapped his arms around Calum’s waist while Calum grasped Michael’s jacket to pull Michael even tighter to him.

Michael looked into Calum’s eyes for a minute before he said slowly, “I get it Cal, I do. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. It doesn’t even matter anymore. I just.. I just-“ Michael stopped and gave Calum’s hips a squeeze and pressed their foreheads together again, breathing in each other.

The truth was that Michael was at a loss for words; his head had been racing with all the possibilities of what could be in store for them after all of this. “God, I don’t even know Calum, I just love you so goddamn much I think you’re gunna kill me one of these days,” Michael breathed out in a rush.

Michael remembers Calum starting to grin and letting out a sound of disbelief as he whispered “Fuck,” under his breath and leaned in to kiss Michael again.

-

There are a lot of things that Michael remembers and a lot of things that he doesn’t remember; but the only thing he _needs_ to remember is that Calum is his now, and that's not going to change any time soon.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you all liked it! xx
> 
> disclaimer: i don't own michael or calum (unfortunately) and all of the events in this fic are (most likely) fiction and did not occur blah blhA BL uah


End file.
